The Beard of the Ranger is Upon You!


Chuck Norris turned 74 this month! 74 may be pretty old for most of us, but given the fact that Chuck has already counted to infinity twice, turning 74 is no big deal for him. Well, in honor of this non-momentous occasion, here’s an old Chuck Norris cartoon/caricature…

It’s not the eyes of the Ranger that bad-guys need fear… it’s the stubble!

As a public service to our readers, (and an opportunity to simultaneously goof on two of our favorite internet-crazes) we at Right-Hemisphere Laboratory, once and for all, have set out to debunk the widespread myth that: Chuck Norris is concealing a third fist behind his beard.

The above illustration (drawn from an actual true-life event) proves the “fist-chin behind-the-beard” theory to be impossible! Simply put, Mr. Norris does not wear a beard – Mr. Norris wears a Crazy Bad-Ass Honey Badger – the snarling psycho-beast that puts the BAD in BADger! This also explains why Mr. Norris never shaves his “beard” – A honey-badger beard is the toughest beard on earth, and no razor known to man, not even the Schiick Super-Duper-Hydro-Glide–Octo-Plus Blade TM can handle it’s unbelievable manly toughness. Besides that, Chuck is an animal lover, and would never harm any animal, that he wasn’t planning to eat – which would usually be raw: fur, bones, entrails, and all.

Pound for pound the Honey Badger is said to be the most fearless animal on earth (next to Chuck, of course), and is proven to be the only animal brave enough (or stupid enough) to live on Chuck Norris’ chin. This new evidence, however, doesn’t rule out the possibility of a third fist lurking behind the Honey Badger, but so far, no one insane enough to take a peek that stubbly curtain of death, has lived to verify this as fact.

Scientists still remain baffled as to what type of creature could be fierce enough to take up residence on Chuck’s pectoral muscles –  it is their stated opinion that even a Honey Badger wouldn’t be stupid enough go there!

The above rendering depicts one of the most beautiful examples of symbiosis ever found in nature – it portrays the stealthy, cunning, and lethal team of Chuck and his “Beard-ger” obtaining/preparing one of their favorite delicacies – a delicious meal of Black-Mamba Sushi.

So, all you bad guys out there, unless you want a terminal case of stubble-burn… don’t mess with Chuck!

©2011 Barry/Right-Hemisphere Laboratory

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